Finding the Divine Nature of Women

I got to speak to my Relief Society a while ago, and I meant to post this online afterward. This is a transcript of my talk. While some things are tailored specifically to my Relief Society, I think a lot of this stuff you guys would enjoy.

INTRODUCTION

“One day a mother and her son went to visit Gandhi. Her little boy had an obsession with sugar and she went to seek Gandhi’s help on how to break her son’s sweet addiction. She begged the leader, “Gandhi, my son consumes far too much sugar, will you please tell him it’s bad for his health?” After listening to the mother’s plea patiently, Gandhi refused to give the boy advice and told her to return in two weeks. Obviously the mother left somewhat disappointed at Gandhi’s request, but two weeks later they returned. Gandhi pulled the child aside and told him it would be best if he quit eating so much sugar. The mother then pulled Gandhi aside curious as to why he needed two weeks. Gandhi smiled to her and said “Two weeks ago I had an obsession with sugar. I needed the time to see if I could cut back myself.”

Unfortunately I am not like Ghandi (if you can believe the story). I am a totally imperfect sister talking to you about one of my greatest struggles.

MY BACKGROUND

I have desperately wanted to talk about finding your divine nature for two reasons. First, for some of you, I hope to convey a better spirit of charity and understanding. For others of you, I want to share some of the strengths I have found.

You may think that you’ve never struggled with this topic and that what I’m going to say doesn’t apply to you. I think that’s flat out wrong. What I have to say applies to all of us as women, sisters, and children of God. Some of you may be struggling with this topic the same way I am. Some of you have never thought about it, and I challenge you to take time to think about it. Others of you have already developed a deep understanding, but may not have realized that you need to share what you’ve learned with others.

I think the best place to start, is with some brief background. I have and continue to struggle with finding the divine nature of women. My story is abnormal and sort of extreme, but I have no doubt that there are others in this ward who have felt similar to me in some way.

In primary, I had an emotionally abusive primary president who hated girls. It makes no sense to me where she picked this up, but she would go out of her way to make the girls in the primary feel stupid. One day my mom came to primary because I had earned an award and this primary president had me and a boy who had also earned the award stand up and she praised the boy and talked about how wonderful he was, gave him the award and then turned to me. She then said several really mean comments about me and refused to give me the award. This shocked my mother and she approached the Bishop. But he seemed to feel that leading in primary was an opportunity for this lady to work through her problems and that there was nothing wrong with the way she was treating the girls. In case you don’t believe that a Bishop would ever do this, you need to know that this Bishop also gathered as many ward members as he could and took them out to eat after church every Sunday.

For many people, this would be the point of the story where I tell you I went inactive for several years. I learned a lot from my mother’s response. We simply began attending a different ward until the leadership of our ward changed.

Throughout my life, my feelings that women were regarded infinitely less than men in the church was reinforced at every turn. I couldn’t be a scout. I couldn’t have the priesthood. The YW in all four of my wards were told they could only cook, sew, or do other similarly “feminine” things during mutual and had their budget drained to send the boys on camping, rafting, and hiking trips. I felt like women had no “important callings”, struggled with several phrases in temple ordinances, and did not see the point of Relief Society, especially in single wards.

The problem was, I had a wonderful father and I met a wonderful young man, both of whom slowly built up a great confidence in myself. I knew that I was loved by these men no less for being a woman. I knew that I could do great things if given the chance. So why did the church contradict everything I held dear to my personal worth?

Something was at odds logically. One of two things had to give. First, either I truly was created to be less than a man OR Second, the church was a false church. I began searching for my own truth and discovered that there was a third option.

STRENGTH FROM WOMEN IN THE PAST

I’d like to read an entry from my journal on the day I had a huge turning point.

“Don't think poor of me. Until recently it's felt like nobody has answers. Not church leaders, family members, prophets, or teachers. Everything people said seemed to make it worse. Then this year, something changed. I started receiving revelation in ways I never expected. People around me were saying things that just sparked thoughts that I knew didn't belong to me. And a few days ago, I found this lady's blog: Women in the Scriptures. And she said something that changed my whole perspective: study the scriptures! I know! It's nothing you wouldn't think of . . . but she said to read the entire standard works and highlight everything that mentions something female related. Wow. So far, I've been so surprised by how much there is. Not everything is spiritually enlightening (since I've been highlighting a lot of "daughters" from the phrase "and he begat sons and daughters"), but you know what? It sure makes a difference to flip through pages (electronically) and see all that pink. It makes me feel like the scriptures do relate to me. It's beginning to change my whole perspective. I'm finding counsel everywhere to help with my concerns.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my journey so far, it’s that when you seek answers for questions, you cannot be emotionally charged. The spirit cannot dwell in you and it cannot convey messages to you. So if you are struggling with any question, you have to find a way to change youf perspective. Maybe doing a scripture study like this could do it for you like it did for me. I changed my perspective from searching for all the ways women were wronged to searching for places to learn more about what it means to be a woman.

I am now in the process of creating a list of every single woman in the scriptures. I’m no where close to finishing, but let’s play a game.

I want you to write down on your piece of paper, how many women do you think there are in the following books:

Old Testament:
New Testament:
D&C:
Pearl of Great Price:
Grand Total of all the Women in the Scriptures:

These are the numbers I have from Heather's blog Women in the Scriptures. I think you'll be surprised.

Old Testament

Named Women: 133

Unnamed Women: 90

Groups of Unnamed Women: 145

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 319

Total Women: 368

New Testament

Named Women: 33

Unnamed Women: 28

Groups of Unnamed Women: 16

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 60

Total Women: 71

Book of Mormon

Named Women: 3

Unnamed Women: 18

Groups of Unnamed Women: 66

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 24

Total Women: 87

Doctrine and Covenants

Named Women: 2

Unnamed Women: 4

Groups of Unnamed Women: 4

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 20

Total Women: 10

Pearl of Great Price

Named Women: 5

(I didn't include women who were also mentioned in the Old Testament)

Unnamed Women: 2

Groups of Unnamed Women: 17

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 5

Total Women: 24

Grand Total of all the Women in the Scriptures: 556

Heather reminds us to remember that the "groups of unnamed women" can include anywhere from two or three women to 10,000. Also in addition to the 556 women mentioned specifically in the scriptures there are 428 parables or prophecies that specifically address or mention women.

Knowing that there are women in the scriptures that I can relate to and learn from, really helped alter my perspective. Yes, the scriptures were written by men and as such, don’t have a lot of women. But the women who are there offer some amazing support.

TEMPLE

I learned another important lesson for my journey, from the temple. But I can guarantee you it wasn’t in the way you are expecting.

I bawled the entire day following my personal endowment. I was in shock. I think I sobbed for an hour in the Celestial room before my family escorted me out of the temple to a “celebration brunch” where I only managed to stop crying by withdrawing into myself and playing with my one year old niece. After the party, I went to the apartment my fiancé and I were renting (he was staying there and I wasn’t) and cried the entire rest of the day. I didn’t even know a body could make that many tears.

I tried several times over the next year to return to the temple, but always left repeating the mantra “never again” “never again” because it hurt and I cried so much.

Then they announced the new video. I went and saw it with my best friend who was going through the temple for only the second time. I cried. But they were happy tears. I never realized that much of what I took to be hurtful doctrine was really just really really really bad acting and directing. (My mother-in-law tells me I should have seen it before.)

I share this because I want you to realize that things do change in the church. Maybe something hurts and is confusing in the church because you truly don’t understand yet. And maybe, there’s something that needs to change in the church. I share one of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland, “This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.”
It also helped me realize that some of the things I assume to be problems with the doctrine, are just problems with people. Just because I had a string of terrible Bishops did not mean the concept of a Bishop was wrong. Just because I had a terrible Primary President does not mean Primary Presidents don’t have an important role in God’s church. So I quote again from President Holland’s Talk: “Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work.”

EQUAL PARTNERS

One of the topics I struggled with was trying to understand the concept of equal partners. Despite the fact that I had a wonderful example of a father and a husband, I have always struggled with the word “preside”. I still do. It’s like a trigger word for bad memories for me. Thus I’ve never fully understood the family proclamation.

I have recently found a way to explain the role of equal partners to myself and wanted to share it with you. In the church, men have the Priesthood and thus provide a spiritual component of salvation by providing ordinances needed to return to the Celestial Kingdom. Women through the miraculous event of birth, provide a temporal component by providing a body. We cannot return to the Celestial Kingdom without the help of a woman and a man. A woman to get a body and a man to get the needed ordinances. Then in the home, the roles are kind of swapped. Men provide temporal needs by providing and protecting their family and women provide spiritual needs by nurturing the children and by being a moral force. It’s very general, but maybe it will help you.

This general conference, Sister Stephens said, “There exists today a great need for men and women to cultivate respect for each other as sons and daughters of God.” And I think that this would help this understanding of equal partners greatly. I mentioned to Cindy the other day that I wish we could return to the past and bring back parts of the culture. Parts where roles for women and men were clearer defined. That’s just me wishing for things to be easier. Because when we finally understand our roles as women and the roles of men, we can come to understand the great need we have for each other.

MY CONTRIBUTION WHEN NOT A MOTHER

Finally, one of my greatest struggles has been understanding my worth to the church during this stage of my life when I am not a mother. Now, I have no doubt that being a mother deserves a whole talk on its own, the struggles of understanding importance and the joy and power that role conveys. But since I am not a mother, I don’t feel entirely qualified to speak to you about it. So instead I want to focus on the important roles women have to the church outside of being a mother.

During the last year, something happened that helped me change my perspective on this topic. I walked into your ward. Again, let me read from my journal.

Then I took the plunge and didn't whine about going to Relief Society. I went straight there and got a seat with my mother-in-law. And it was amazing the spirit I felt. It wasn't so much that overpowering feeling of spirituality as it was the overwhelming feeling of cheer and kindness. Everyone there was so happy to see everyone! There didn't seem to be cliques and I was introduced to lots of people. The lady who does the announcements sounds and acts just like my grandma and I can literally feel how she cares about and loves everyone in the room. In fact, last week she knew I was new and had me introduce myself. (That’s you, Marsha.)

I don't know what makes that ward different, but it sounds and feels like a committee meeting there. And just that fact makes me feel like Relief Society does something important. I'm not sure what it is that they do yet, but everybody sounded purposeful and important. Everyone sounded busy, important, and at the same time they sounded like they loved everybody there. I'll post later as I learn what exactly makes this ward different, but for now I can't help feeling like this particular Relief Society knows something I don't. Something about our purpose.”

Now, I don’t know if I’ve figured out exactly what our purpose is yet, but that sense of strength I got from you made me look to understand. And here is what I’ve found.

If we step back from Mormon culture and pretend we’ve never heard any of these words before, we can learn a little bit about how women are supposed to function in the church.

Relief - - - - - Society. We should be like a committee. We meet at church once a week to report and plan our next relief attempt. We are like the Red Cross flying into a disaster zone to provide relief. Our disaster zones may be rough days or broken testimonies, and our relief may be a warm meal or helping to clean or just talking, but we are just as important . . . NO. We are MORE important than those helicopters flying into disaster zones because WE - YOU and ME - WE fix souls. Body and spirit our organization provides relief. On the large scale and on the smallest scale of a bad day.

Visiting teaching is the most powerful tool sin our relief arsenal and I feel that NONE of us realize it’s power. NONE of us are using it to its full extent. No matter how the church tries to turn around the mormon culture of (Visiting Teaching = Once a Month drop in, have a prayer, share the lesson, talk for a half hour, offer to do something, be told no, and leave) we are stuck in this rut. Visiting Teaching needs to be used to its full power. For that to happen you and I need to be FRIENDS with the sisters we visit teach. We need to know their worries, their doubts, their struggles, their joys, their successes, their needs, their loves and passions. Can you do this in a once a month visit? NO. You cannot. I will not open up to someone I see once a month. . .  if that. I’m not even going to open up to someone I see once a week. I will turn to my FRIENDS to share my struggles, my success, my thoughts, and my needs. We have ways to stay in contact. Use them. We talked recently in Relief Society about the spiritual power of technology? Here’s one that you need to use. Use your technology to stay in contact with your sisters! Email, text, call. Leave a note! Say hi whenever you pass. The more you see or contact your sisters the faster you’ll get to be friends. And once you become friends you and your sisters will be able to access the full power of relief society.

Women have an incredible power to talk. It’s not bad. In fact, I like to list it as a super power. This amazing ability for women to talk is how we come up with creative solutions. It’s how we dig into another person’s soul. It’s how we heal wounds - ours and others. It’s important that we get into those meaningful conversations with the sisters we visit teach because that is how people like me will patch our testimonies and it’s how we will enter our sisters hearts.

From general conference, I also learned that women offer a powerful moral force not just to the church but to the world. I’m still finding how to do that exactly, but to anyone searching for the divine nature of women, I say that Elder Christofferson’s talk would be a good place to start.

CHARITY

Finally, let me read to you a post from a “friend” during the whole women and Priesthood Session uproar. Maybe you said something similar. I hope you did not. If you did, you won’t anymore.

“This ordain women thing is ridiculous! They act as if it's the leaders of the church who with hold the priesthood from them, when in reality it is God. And it doesn't mean he cares more for the men!! I guess I should start protesting for having the same rights as women and demand that men should be able to have the most incredible authority of all. . . Having a child!! It's time I think for the brethren to stand up to these ladies and say ENOUGH. And if you don't like it then leave!”

This general conference, President Eyring said, “Our human tendency is to be impatient with the person who cannot see the truth that is so plain to us. We must be careful that our impatience is not interpreted as condemnation or rejection.” Instead remember charity - for “if ye have not charity, ye are nothing” and “charity is the pure love of Christ”.

I hope now that if you are one of those women who answer questions about this topic with, “I’ve never struggled with this . . .” or “You’re missing the whole point.” or something as heart breaking as “If you don’t like it, leave!” that you will have a greater amount of charity for people like me. That now you might just understand what goes on in our heads. And you will NEVER NEVER tell someone to “Leave the church.” Because maybe they are struggling just as hard as I am to stay here and understand.

CONCLUSION

I now close my soul-bearing session, with my testimony that God does love us as Women. Sometimes I don’t understand how that fact and things I see in the church coincide, but I know that this church is true. I know that to find answers to questions we have to change our perspective. I know that sometimes things change and that sometimes what seems like a deep doctrinal error is really just people in the church making grave mistakes. I know that I have an important role to play in God’s work simply because I am a woman. And finally I know that there is a great work for you and me to do if we will only access it.

Women and the Priesthood Part 2

Ok. So this is an update to my last post. I've carefully read everything all of you said and laid awake the last two nights pondering (crying) over it. Thank you so much for your input. A quick summary is that my ideas were very nicely shot down by every single woman I trust and look to for guidance. So . . . I'm back to the drawing board. Which honestly is very disappointing. I cried for a little bit . . . but I want to at least get my questions formulated before women's conference tomorrow so I have specific things to listen for.

Have you ever had a question that mattered this much to you? I finally thought I'd figured some stuff out and then I'm plunged even deeper into confusion now. It's heartbreaking. But that's how these questions go . . . and I'm starting over. Things I really desire your thoughts on are colored.

First a summary of questions your comments reopened:

First, understandably almost all of you said you've never struggled with this, cared about having the priesthood, or etc. That's awesome for you. I marvel and wonder what it is you have that I don't. It seems so simple. You all just say things like, "I've never been bothered by it." Sigh. Like Alysa (best friend #1) said, ". . . all of our struggles come in different ways, and mine are no less painful for me to process." I'll try not to envy you since I'm sure you have/will have something different and similar crop up in your life that has never bothered me.

At the same time, I'd like you to consider this perspective from my mother-in-law who I know has run into similar situations as I have with men and authority in the church and maybe it will help you see why people like me have a frustration with not having church authority.

"I know in some of our past discussions about the important topic of the role of women and the role of the priesthood in the church I have expressed no desire to do the general duties the priesthood does; conduct meetings, PPIs, birthday interviews, callings, ordinations, blessings, assignments, committee organization, choosing themes, teaching doctrine, speaking assignments and putting on firesides to name a few. However, I have taken the time to think about my past church service and realized how frustrating it was to not have a voice in the administrative decisions of the church I served in."

"As a leader in an auxiliary organization it would be very difficult to get our opinions, ideas and inspiration heard.  The response would be some insipid smile and a limp explanation of how, "That is not the WAY we do it in the church".  It was belittling, demeaning, and insincere.  I recall the inefficiency of the ward councils as we were just told, "This is what we are going to do." without any genuine invitation to share real ideas except to solicit your approval of all the things they planned.  Ward Council was where you got told what the plan was and said yes to any assignment they deemed you capable of doing."

I have never been a Relief Society President (who knows that might answer some of my questions about the importance of Relief Society), but I have held leadership positions in the church and this has been exactly my experience. The men never asked for my input or took it when I offered. I was always told something was wrong with me if I ever offered an idea. On the other hand, very very poor ideas from young men and young men leaders were always accepted. It has been a very frustrating experience. Now, I no longer have to deal with this in my calling and I like it that way.

To be fair, my mother-in-law finishes by saying, "This does not put all men in that category, as I have observed Young Men leaders who were outstanding. It was just not my privilege to work with those." And I'll try to second that opinion, but I have a deep-rooted fear that any time any man (probably woman too but I've never seen it) gets called to some authoritarian position they abuse it in some way.



Second, I concede now that these women are protesting. I was impressed with the wording of the article originally and convinced myself that they were doing it in the same spirit I feel. Stina (best friend #2) said it best.

"I agree with your mom that these women are in fact protesting. The dictionary defines protest as 'an organized public demonstration of disapproval'. Yes it is a peaceful protest, but the point is still to cause a public scene and force decision making with the backing of public pressure. And, like you said, it’s going to be really awkward for the men going to the priesthood session and the ushers who have to deal with them. Do I think that they were wrong to ask for tickets? No! Of course not! I completely understand women who’d like to go to a live priesthood session (I mean I’d like to go to a live session too. I think that would be way cool). What I don’t agree with is the fact that they are not respecting the decision of the leadership of the church to tell them no. . . . They got what they wanted. They get to see the Priesthood session at the same time as the men. But instead of this group of women getting online and watching it they’re going to be standing outside the Conference Center protesting that they can’t watch it….??? I just really don’t understand."

So thanks, Stina. I totally agree with you. I guess the way they feel deviated from how I feel the moment they decided to still stand outside. At that point, they are truly protesting instead of taking advantage of the opportunity.



Third, it's seems to be the consensus that there was no division of labor at the Fall. I can easily let go of that one. I'm pretty sure I just misunderstood the family member who told me that now. However, this throws me back into one of the things I struggle with: gender is fundamental.

Ok. I totally believe this. I really do. I have no doubt that gender is part of my pre-mortal spirit. But I don't like it. It's really one of those things that my mind says all the time when these issues get too frustrating. "I wish I was a boy." "I wish I got to pick what gender I am!" (On that last one, Andrew sometimes tells me that I probably did have choice back when I understood what the heck is supposed to be going on down here.) If you have more insight on how awesome it is to be a girl always and forever . . . feel free to tell me. . . 'cause I am not feeling it. 

On the bright side, I like the way Alysa phrased the whole gender thing. "We have male and female because from the beginning it was the plan to have us live in companionships and to use our differences to complement each other until we have reached something far more incredible than we could ever reach on our own, even if we were absolutely perfect in every way." She's amazing. That's a beautiful summary. I'll tell you a little ways down why the whole gender thing still hurts me when I believe what she's saying here.



Fourth, Angela brought up something else that hurts me a lot. The whole women hearken to their husbands thing . . . I do not understand nor like this concept. First of all, if husband and wife are supposed to be dual witnesses to revelation for the family, how come the roles can't switch? How come there's no mention of husbands hearkening to their wives? Am I unable to receive revelation too? Am I unable to receive revelation he can't? And finally, am I somehow less important and less valued in a way that makes it so I cannot be a mouthpiece for God? That is what this whole hearken business tells my soul. 

Andrew has tried to tell me that the family should work in a way where the husband hearkens to the wife and the wife hearkens to the husband. And I believe that's how the family should work, but PLEASE if you have found anywhere that has some prophet saying that or somewhere in the temple (especially) that says that, please let me know. Because that seems to be a huge disconnect between practical religion and what the scriptures/prophets/temple say. Let's just say that's a BIG unresolved point in my testimony. If you have found something I haven't, I'd REALLY appreciate your input!

Second a summary of new insights I gained:

First, all of you had some amazing insights and words about why we still have separated meetings. First I quote my mother:

"I realized that if I was getting reprimanded in my duties, I wouldn't want someone there who would nag me about it but give me time to process it and try to practice it. By giving men time, the spirit can change the earnest in heart from the inside out and if they wanted support they could ask for it."

And now a word from my hero, HeatherLady from Womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com:

"Personally, I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it that in our church we still have segregated meetings for men and women. There is something SO powerful about a group of ALL women meeting together and a group of ALL men. I actually really looked into going to an all girls college once upon a time and as I was researching it I read lots of studies about how when it is all girls or all boys in a class that learning is enhanced. I think the same can be true for spiritual learning. Not that there isn't a BIG place for learning and cooperation between both men and women, but I think that we still need to preserve those places in society where genders can be separated. We really need those times when we can FEEL and SEE our sisterhood or a brotherhood." 

Others of you had really good insights into this too, but I felt these two quotes encapsulated it best. These two quotes really help me feel better about the different meetings. Especially since as a teacher, I really understand Heather's reference to segregated schools. It's true. Boys and girls learn differently and I have always noticed and appreciated how different the talks are between Priesthood and Relief Society conference. I guess, I always overlooked that fact because I wanted to be able to "help" the men around me. Let's be honest. My kind of "help" was probably just "nagging" as my mom puts it. While I know that "nagging" has helped a few men in my life, chances are things would just move along better if I let the spirit do the changing instead of the nagging.



Second, the church organization that I talked about in my first point above (that is so focused around men and that bothers me so much) is not eternal. Maybe I phrased that weird. I'm not sure if this point was my mother-in-law's own thoughts or from some other source, but it really did add some depth to my understanding. Let me quote it for you.

"This model [of church organization] is a mirage, and to the extent the church is selected as the object of admiration and reverence, it will only fool you. Remember the church will end with death. The government of God in eternity is His Heavenly Family. These family relationships endure. The church will remain a creation of, and occupant confined to the Telestial world. It is a Telestial institution, attempting to invite you to rise up to something more, something higher, something that will endure. But the church extending that invitation is not to be envied. Service in it is not the model of Celestial glory. Your family is the critical relationship in mortality.

A man and woman would be better off if they never held any church office other than home and visiting teaching. They would be better off if they realized it is the family alone that will endure, and then devote themselves to improving that relationship. Inside the family, the woman is the natural and undeniable counselor, and she is presiding within the family alongside her husband. She should join with him in blessing their children, she should lay hands on her husband when he asks and bless him, and she should be one with him. Because inside the home it is the husband and wife, not the bishop, who presides. Even the president of the church does not call a man to office without first asking his wife to sustain him in the calling. Nor does the woman get a calling without consulting her husband. All the envy and misapprehensions notwithstanding, the fact remains that the church is inferior to the family. The church is temporary, transient and Telestial. The family can be eternal, enduring and Celestial."

That's a deep thought that I'm still processing. Especially this sentence, "Inside the family, the woman is the natural and undeniable counselor, and she is presiding within the family alongside her husband. She should join with him in blessing their children, she should lay hands on her husband when he asks and bless him, and she should be one with him." If you understand what this is talking about, please tell me about it. These ideas still confuse me. I don't understand how a woman can preside if a man is told specifically to preside. I also don't understand how she can lay hands on her husband when she does not hold the priesthood. Thoughts?



Third, there is more to come about women's roles. This my friends is (I think) my central problem. I know I've expressed my fears about this to some of you before. The truth is . . . I don't know how I'm needed. I'm not a mother. I never served a mission. I cannot hold any important calling in the church. I cannot perform soul-saving priesthood ordinances. I'm not sure that I hold any worth or purpose to the Lord. Oh, I know. Just by being His daughter I have worth. Sure, you can say that. But if I have nothing to physically do to help the church, I don't see that I have any purpose being here. I want to feel needed.

This makes me wonder if this is how women who can't have children feel in the church. There is so much stress laid on women being mothers, that when you can't (or in my case just aren't yet) have children, I think many women (or at least I hope I'm not the only one) are left floundering for a purpose and worth. Oh . . . we can all be mothers in zion. That's . . . great. But honestly I don't see how great that is. To me being the prophet of the church seems a lot more important than being a nursery leader. And the fact that I can never attain (not that I want to . . . but I can't) the higher callings simply because of my gender which I have no control over is very hurtful. I sit here wondering what in the world I (or other women) have to offer the church. Surely I have more to offer than being a baby-maker and raiser.

I know this sounds very bitter. And I think you need to know that one of my greatest honestly my only real goals in life is to be a home school mom. It's all I've ever really wanted. I never had a great career I wanted to obtain. I kinda wanted to get my Masters . . . which I don't know if I'll ever get to do. I also really wanted to go on a mission, but that goal was denied to me because of my gender. Basically, as far as long term goals go . . . being a mother is it for me. BUT I'm not a mother right now. And I would like to know that I'm still worth something to this church. That I have purpose and power equal (not necessarily the same) to any man. That is what I don't see.

That is why these words from you are comforting to me. Alysa said, "We will undoubtedly receive more power in lives to come (priestesses... that has to mean something!)"

And Heather said,

"I think though that it is true that because we now live in a fallen world we may not always be living up to our full potential. I can't help but feel that as women in the church we are still lacking a BIG piece of the picture about who we really are. I think this is really what the Ordain Women ladies are after. I know that SO many good faithful women are asking themselves hard questions and often those questions don't have nice easy answers. True there are some women who really honestly do want the priesthood, but I think that what most LDS women are hungry for is just more LIGHT and TRUTH. They just want more knowledge about who they are and what their responsibilities are." 

"I think that is where the ordain women movement has gone wrong. They are asking and knocking but they are asking for what THEY think they need, and not asking the Lord for what HE is ready to give them, or asking what they need to do to  gain more knowledge and truth. To get the right response you often just have to ask the right questions."

And finally, Heather sent me this beautiful article  by Virginia Blythe called "Why I Think We're Having the Wrong Conversation". I'd like to give you a small excerpt from it.

"She’d [Neylan McBaine, founder of the Mormon Women Project] like the institution of the Church to reflect The Truth of an eternal relationship of celestial equality between men and women, and she’d like it to be spelled out. I hear that all the time in the Bloggernacle.

“In order for that to be clarified, there’d have to be another section added to the Doctrine and Covenants.”

“Until we have a clear revelation about Heavenly Mother, we’re all just floundering here.”

“It’s a nice theory, but until we have apostolic comment, that’s all it is.”

The issue isn’t that people are agitating for change in the Church structure to match the secular; the issue is that people want revelation. Good news!

 In the historical example that is used to explain every cultural force that presses against the church and the subsequent answers that come (the revelation to give the priesthood to every worthy male) we do actually see the workings of the Lord to bring about The Truth. (I now have the attention of agitators and conservatives alike). 

It was by slow revelation, inspired by intense, long-standing cultural pressure. Isn’t every problem we face? The Word of Wisdom came about because of the cultural pressure Emma placed on the prophet because of a filthy environment she had to clean up. He got more than he expected when he took the problem to the Lord, but isn’t that the purpose our problems serve? To open willing minds to greater views? And how did that revelation to Spencer W. Kimball occur? This is the undercurrent among those who consider this issue and are dissatisfied in the Church today. They want a revelation. They want cloven tongues of fire. They want The Truth and the end to contention and confusion. I do too.

We can know with complete certainty of the character and work of our Heavenly Mother precisely to the degree that we will value and protect her reflected work on the earth, as revealed over and over and over by prophets. The revelations that will shout The Truth from the housetops in all its glittering clarity will come when the simple call to “come home” is met with joyful gratitude for the opportunity rather than a defensive retreat to worldly definitions of power and influence. Power is not based in equality. It arises from consecration. A call for the kingdom to be remade in the world’s image is the least likely to invite The Truth.

And here is where we come to the true crisis.

We aren’t ready. We not only aren’t ready for Zion’s consecration because we can’t even agree about paying our tithing, much less giving all we have, we aren’t ready to know the character of the Gods. It will cause too many of us to stumble, so we are left with elementary, introductory, training wheels commandments and policies until we can learn to have faith in God and trust in our prophets. We are not ready for the company of those who’ve made consecration their existence, and since we are waiting for their return to prepare for the Savior’s return, that isn’t going to happen any time sooner either.

I take from this two things. First, that there is more to come. But as a church, be that prejudice of leaders (yes, I believe even apostles) or prejudice of the people, we're not ready for it yet. I personally think there are many parallels to the state of women in the church now and black men in the church earlier. The difference is they were waiting to receive the exact same benefits as other men currently had. Here, I don't think we're waiting for the Priesthood. BUT we are waiting for a clear understanding of our purpose, roles, and responsibilities. The responsibilities of men are very clearly laid out. There are tons of revelations and apostolic talks on it. But the responsibilities, roles, and duties of women are not the same. They are vague and unclear. This is what we are waiting for. But until we accept what we do have, we're probably not going to get the next step.

That being said. As you clearly can see above, I am one of those who does not accept what we already have! Please does anyone have insight into this, "joyful gratitude for the opportunity [of being a mother] rather than a defensive retreat to worldly definitions of power and influence." This is what I don't understand. I can see how I try to apply worldly definitions to the spiritual situation, but I cannot see how wonderful the opportunity is to be a mother. Can some of you share you insights into this?

Finally, it seems rather depressing to know that we're not ready for more truth. What if I figure out my issues only to find that nobody else gets with it in time? Heather has a very touching response for me:

"I could really relate to what you said about what if they say something at general conference that shatters your tiny testimony (which I don't think is as tiny as you think it is :). I think that is one of the hardest parts about asking the Lord questions-- getting the answers. Sometimes they aren't what you expect or sometimes the answer is 'not yet" and that is hard. But keep putting drops of oil in your lamp by doing all the right things-- praying, studying and faithfully listening to the prophets. They won't lead you astray. They might not always say what you want them to say-- but if you listen with the spirit I am sure you will learn exactly what you need to learn. And God will answer your questions. 

You don't always need to have a prophet say it from the pulpit to know something is true. God might not be ready to give revelation to the church as a whole yet but he will give ALL knowledge to individuals who seek it and are ready for it. Like the brother of Jared, if you keep asking and keep having faith you will get answers he won't be able to withhold it from you. But sometimes that means also that you have to be willing to keep things he tells you in your heart." 

That made me cry. Correction, makes me cry every time I read it. Both because it hurts to know deeply that I probably won't like some of the answers I'm going to get, and because it's so hopeful to remember that revelation can come to faithful individuals before it comes to the whole church.

Finally a conclusion:

I know this was a really long post. I hope you'll still read it. It was amazing to me to get insight from the five women I most desire instruction and insight from. I got spiritual wisdom from my two best friends, my two mothers, and my hero. That means a lot to me and really helps me make progress in this journey. I want to say how much I appreciate and love your comments. 

As conference comes tomorrow and the following week, I will be looking for answers to the following questions. And I invite you to listen for answers to. The last several conferences, one of you has shared something with me that I desperately needed to hear from conference, but for some reason did not hear till you said something to me. I'll be back after conference, and will share what I found and I hope that you will share what you found with me as well.

Here are my final questions:

• What worth do I have as a daughter of God?
• What purpose do I serve to the church, beyond being a mother?
• Why is being a mother so amazing?
• What are my responsibilities as a woman in God's church?
• How can women give input into administrative functions of church?
• What the heck is this whole hearken thing supposed to mean?
• What power do women have?
• What is the role and responsibility of a Heavenly Mother?

Thanks one last time, friends. You are amazing and I love you.

Kenzie

A New Relief Society

We just moved into a new apartment, and I really didn't want to move into my new ward. We went from a newly married student ward to a regular family ward. Being 19, I certainly was not looking forward to moving into a ward filled with elderly ladies. By my experience, relief societies with lots of elderly ladies were full of talk about grandchildren and all the lessons were targeted toward moms and grandmothers. Which really makes sense, but made me feel very excluded. I had finally got comfortable in my old ward and the idea of starting over again was crazy daunting.

Nevertheless, I got my Sunday clothes on and set out to make a good impression. But this time I tried something different. I pretended to be the person I want to be. Really this makes sense since I've had so much experience acting. I didn't wear the dress that, although it is very flattering for my figure, always makes me wonder if I'm immodest. I wore no makeup and some of my simplest jewelry. And instead of worrying so much about how I looked, I made sure Andrew and I were on time and I purposefully acted confident and friendly. I smiled as much as I could and tried to nestle myself into the ward family with jokes and compliments. And now on my second week here, I'm astonished by how amazing this ward is. I'm learning so much about how the church should be.

All my life I've been ignored in the church. Either I lived in a ward with hardly any active members or I lived in a ward with snooty cliquish young women. Then when I moved into student wards, for some reason I continued to be ignored. The only friends I ever had were because I met them somewhere else. Once a Bishop blatantly asked me if I had any friends in the ward, and when I replied that I didn't he said I obviously wasn't trying hard enough to make friends. A little annoyed I set out to be friends with the young women. Helping them out at church, trying to start conversations, inviting them to things. Nothing changed, and if anything they went out of their way to make sure I knew I was not invited to their conversations. So the Bishop called me to be the President in hopes that it would help. And it didn't. If anything, it felt like they resented me more. So I'm very used to the idea of church being all business and no fun.

This new ward just amazes me. It feels like everybody is magnifying their calling. The Sunday School President (I think . . .) knew everybody who regularly comes to that class and immediately recognized us as new. He came up and asked us if we were visiting or new and got to know us. Then he introduced us to the whole class, introduced who was saying the prayers, and who was giving the lesson. I felt like the class was so organized and that we were completely welcome. I've never been in a class that had so much class participation and there were so many good comments I felt like I needed to take lots of notes. For one of the first times in my life, I felt included in the class and felt like I was learning something at church.

Then I took the plunge and didn't whine about going to Relief Society. I went straight there and got a seat with my mother-in-law. And it was amazing the spirit I felt. It wasn't so much that overpowering feeling of spirituality as it was the overwhelming feeling of cheer and kindness. Everyone there was so happy to see everyone! It didn't feel clique-y, all the women knew everybody else. There didn't seem to be cliques and I was introduced to lots of people. The lady who does the announcements sounds and acts just like my grandma and I can literally feel how she cares about and loves everyone in the room. In fact, last week she knew I was new and had me introduce myself.

Now, what I actually meant to post about. I don't know what makes that ward different, but it sounds and feels like a committee meeting there. And just that fact makes me feel like Relief Society does something important. I'm not sure what it is that they do yet, but everybody sounded purposeful and important. Everyone sounded busy, important, and at the same time they sounded like they loved everybody there. I'll post later as I learn what exactly makes this ward different, but for now I can't help feeling like this particular Relief Society knows something I don't. Something about our purpose.

Relief Society: Women's Basic Need to Talk

I have always wondered about the purpose of relief society. To be honest it certainly felt like a left over meeting assigned so the men could attend their important and secretive priesthood meeting without women sneaking in. Nothing seemed to apply, I didn't fit in, I didn't feel like I learned anything, and we didn't seem to do anything important. (I'm sure those who have served in important callings in Relief Society will disagree with me here . . . but so far all I've done is make name tags.)

Every time I asked about women leading in the church (since they can't be bishops, apostles, and all other priesthood callings), people would point out young women's, nursery, and relief society as if that helped. It really only made it worse because it doesn't seem like relief society does anything important for the church and WOOPEE more baby sitting as my calling. (Don't get me wrong, I love children, but being a nursery leader doesn't strike me as an amazing calling equal to being the prophet.)

So, I haven't completely conquered those feelings, but here are some good thoughts I had while reading "What It Means To Be a Daughter of God" by James E. Faust. Relief society has at least two purposes. One is to help everyone in and out of the ward physically and spiritually (My question is how this is different from what the guys do.) The second is to provide the socialization that women really need. Just feeling like I didn't fit in affirms to me that women need that. I never realized until I got married and lost some of the daily socialization I had with other females how much I need "socialization". When I visit teach, one of the common needs is that my visiting teach-ees just need someone to talk to. We like to tell stories and in general just converse about shallow topics. We also get a lot of great insights from playing off what another person says. Andrew's really good about listen to me rant (not in negative ways) about everything that's going on in my life, and my family is very used to long stories I launch into when they ask about how life's going. Now that I live with a man, I realize that this is a very different need between the sexes. Men just don't need to talk as much as women do. It's healthy for a woman's soul to be able to voice what she's feeling, what she has to get done, what she's struggling with, and what she's thinking about. I have witnessed some amazing miracles come from women talking to each other. I've seen other women tease out the real issue when someone's unhappy and I've had revelation come to me through my two best friends just during a comforting conversation. Heck, I've even been the one who suddenly has revelation come through me to a best friend, answering many prayers without knowing it.

So Relief Society still feels unequal to the priesthood callings in my mind, but at the very least I can say that Relief Society provides a way for women to fulfill that basic need in a righteous and uplifting way. That's probably one of the most important reasons we do visiting teaching. So what have I learned? Just showing up and giving a brief discussion of what's in the Ensign is not going to satisfy my Heavenly Father or the people I visit teach. When I'm assigned to be a visiting teacher, I am being assigned a new friend. I need to go out of my way to get them to talk. I may not need to fix a problem every month (heck, don't we always remind guys that we don't need all our problems "fixed"), but I do need to be an engaged listener and show that they can trust me with all their concerns. The people I visit teach should be able to tell that I'm trustworthy, that I won't judge them, and that I'm really listening.

This leads me to a small side note. There are a few important concepts about really listening that I've learned in one of my religion classes at BYU. Listening is harder than we think.

For one, it requires a commitment of time. Usually the best time for the speaker is not the best time to talk for the listener. If you don't show you're willing to take that time, the person who wants to talk will get the message loud and clear that they're not important to you. They'll say, "Oh, I don't want to bother you." or "It's ok, don't worry about it." My teacher says that often when people come to us, the Lord has a hand in it. It may even be something we need to hear right then, and if the Lord has a hand in the timing, we can assume that that conversation is sacred ground. If you ask Heavenly Father, He will help you make of the difference in time needed.

Second, Listening requires the eyes, ears, mind, and heart. All four have to be engaged, or you're not really listening, and real listening is really draining. You'll probably feel tired when you're done.

1. Eyes: We often say that the eyes are the window to the soul. How true this principle is when people are talking. What is it that research says? Two-thirds of the message people send is non-verbal! Think of how much we'll miss if we're not looking at the person who's speaking! My teacher's a marriage therapist and he says the number one complain in marriages is always that wives feel like their husbands don't listen to them. The guys are always really confused at this point, because they feel like they're always listening! When he keeps asking the wife questions, he always finds that the real issue is that the husbands aren't looking the wife. Funny huh! Women pick up on that clue and realize that the listener isn't getting the full message. So when you're talking to the people you visit teach, pay attention to their eyes, face, and hands so you can get the full message.
2. Ears: Listening and hearing aren't really the same thing! And being quiet isn't the same as listening. How often have we been quiet in a class and realized that we're not really listening? Or how often have we heard something, only to have it go right out the other ear? When the ears are involved in listening, there's a lot more than the words to hear. We also have to tune into the tone of voice and the intensity with which it's given. My teacher says that often the tone of voice is the real message and the intensity gives you an idea of where the speaker expects you to enter the conversation. (For example, you come home to a really excited roommate who's practically bouncing off the walls with good news about something or other and you "listen" only to tell them, "Gee I'm glad you had a good day. See ya." They're going to feel like you didn't listen and that you misunderstood their message.) 
3. Mind: This can be tricky. The mind is involved because it involves pondering and processing. Yes, you have to be doing that while you're listening! You can't be passive! The reason I say this part is tricky is because using the mind while listening is NOT thinking ahead about what you're going to say. As soon as you start that, you've fallen into the roll of talker and NOT listener. So you have to keep your mind in the right place. You have to ponder what they're talking about and be sure you're getting the right message.
4. Heart: Last of all, the heart is involved because that's how we get in touch with our emotions. We need to be in touch with empathy. We need to get a sense of what the sender of the message is feeling and we need to try and understand those feelings with our heart. You leave out the heart and you're likely to miss some revelation.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on this matter. Obviously I'm not the best at listening yet, but now I have an idea on some things to work on. I'll continue hacking at understanding Relief Society, but here's my first stab at it.

The Beginning of Answers

Ah. The beginning post. Not many people read it, and it's more of a symbolic beginning. I wanted to start by explaining why I even started this blog. To be honest it's mostly for me. But I do want to share what I learn with my girlfriends, family, and anyone else who has questions about being a woman in the LDS culture, life, and gospel. Why would I write this? Is it because I feel like I have wonderful answers to share with people? Not really. Honestly, it's the opposite. Like I said, I'm writing this mostly for me. I don't have the answers, and I've struggled with the questions for a long long time.

I don't really want to list my questions, because it gets me on a train of negative, degrading, and confusing thoughts. Let's just say that all of the topics to the right are things I've struggled with. Up until now, I've spent my whole life confronting my demons only once every few months and packaging them up the rest of my life and ignoring them. All that meant was that when I had to confront them, I could expect several hours of sobbing and depression.

I know. Don't think poor of me. And until recently it's felt like nobody has answers. Not church leaders, family members, prophets, or teachers. Everything people said seemed to make it worse. Then this year, something changed. I started receiving revelation in ways I never expected. People around me were saying things that just sparked thoughts that I knew didn't belong to me. I wrote them down, and it helped for a little while until some other big confrontation occurred. A few days ago, I found this lady's blog: Women in the Scriptures. And she said something that changed my whole perspective: study the scriptures!

I know! It's nothing you wouldn't think of . . . but she said to read the entire standard works and highlight everything that mentions something female related. Wow. So far, I've been so surprised by how much there is. Not everything is spiritually enlightening (since I've been highlighting a lot of "daughters" from the phrase "and he begat sons and daughters"), but you know what? It sure makes a difference to flip through pages (electronically) and see all that pink. It makes me feel like the scriptures do relate to me. It's beginning to change my whole perspective. I'm finding counsel everywhere to help with my concerns. Here are a few general topics I'm going to try and address for myself. (You can always find them as tags to the right.)

1) What does it mean to be a wife and how do I be a good one? How can I be an equal partner while having my different roles?

2) How can I still be a missionary at home? I didn't get to serve a full-time mission, and I know I'll always hold a little regret for that even if I made the right choice. So how can I still serve my mission while staying at home?

3) What are the divine attributes of women and what should I be working on? What exactly is my divine nature?

4) How is motherhood a blessing and not a burden? How do I contradict my negative feelings about it?

5) What exactly does the Relief Society do? What should we be doing? Do we really have equal opportunity for leadership as the men? Do women do important things in the church too?

6) Not going to list all my questions here . . . but I have got to find some understanding for certain things that happen in the temple. I promise I won't break covenants when I post, but I've found some really good resources helping me understand some things and I want to share them and search for more.

7) Has the church had a history of oppressing women like the rest of the world? Or did we play any important roles in our history?

8) What women are in the scriptures, and what can I learn from them?

9) If men have the priesthood, what do women have? What is our power?

Anyway, as I said I don't have the answers. But I have faith I'll find them. Eventually. Even if it takes my whole life (as I suspect it will), someday I will know the answers to all these questions and all the others that come up. To anyone who wants to join me on this journey, WELCOME! All I ask is that you acknowledge that people do have these questions and struggle with these problems and refrain from saying things like, "Well I've never struggled with that." or "I don't know what the big deal is." Trust me. It doesn't help. I know you all have your questions. (If you don't you're not thinking hard enough.) This blog just documents my search for my answers.