Relief Society: Women's Basic Need to Talk

I have always wondered about the purpose of relief society. To be honest it certainly felt like a left over meeting assigned so the men could attend their important and secretive priesthood meeting without women sneaking in. Nothing seemed to apply, I didn't fit in, I didn't feel like I learned anything, and we didn't seem to do anything important. (I'm sure those who have served in important callings in Relief Society will disagree with me here . . . but so far all I've done is make name tags.)

Every time I asked about women leading in the church (since they can't be bishops, apostles, and all other priesthood callings), people would point out young women's, nursery, and relief society as if that helped. It really only made it worse because it doesn't seem like relief society does anything important for the church and WOOPEE more baby sitting as my calling. (Don't get me wrong, I love children, but being a nursery leader doesn't strike me as an amazing calling equal to being the prophet.)

So, I haven't completely conquered those feelings, but here are some good thoughts I had while reading "What It Means To Be a Daughter of God" by James E. Faust. Relief society has at least two purposes. One is to help everyone in and out of the ward physically and spiritually (My question is how this is different from what the guys do.) The second is to provide the socialization that women really need. Just feeling like I didn't fit in affirms to me that women need that. I never realized until I got married and lost some of the daily socialization I had with other females how much I need "socialization". When I visit teach, one of the common needs is that my visiting teach-ees just need someone to talk to. We like to tell stories and in general just converse about shallow topics. We also get a lot of great insights from playing off what another person says. Andrew's really good about listen to me rant (not in negative ways) about everything that's going on in my life, and my family is very used to long stories I launch into when they ask about how life's going. Now that I live with a man, I realize that this is a very different need between the sexes. Men just don't need to talk as much as women do. It's healthy for a woman's soul to be able to voice what she's feeling, what she has to get done, what she's struggling with, and what she's thinking about. I have witnessed some amazing miracles come from women talking to each other. I've seen other women tease out the real issue when someone's unhappy and I've had revelation come to me through my two best friends just during a comforting conversation. Heck, I've even been the one who suddenly has revelation come through me to a best friend, answering many prayers without knowing it.

So Relief Society still feels unequal to the priesthood callings in my mind, but at the very least I can say that Relief Society provides a way for women to fulfill that basic need in a righteous and uplifting way. That's probably one of the most important reasons we do visiting teaching. So what have I learned? Just showing up and giving a brief discussion of what's in the Ensign is not going to satisfy my Heavenly Father or the people I visit teach. When I'm assigned to be a visiting teacher, I am being assigned a new friend. I need to go out of my way to get them to talk. I may not need to fix a problem every month (heck, don't we always remind guys that we don't need all our problems "fixed"), but I do need to be an engaged listener and show that they can trust me with all their concerns. The people I visit teach should be able to tell that I'm trustworthy, that I won't judge them, and that I'm really listening.

This leads me to a small side note. There are a few important concepts about really listening that I've learned in one of my religion classes at BYU. Listening is harder than we think.

For one, it requires a commitment of time. Usually the best time for the speaker is not the best time to talk for the listener. If you don't show you're willing to take that time, the person who wants to talk will get the message loud and clear that they're not important to you. They'll say, "Oh, I don't want to bother you." or "It's ok, don't worry about it." My teacher says that often when people come to us, the Lord has a hand in it. It may even be something we need to hear right then, and if the Lord has a hand in the timing, we can assume that that conversation is sacred ground. If you ask Heavenly Father, He will help you make of the difference in time needed.

Second, Listening requires the eyes, ears, mind, and heart. All four have to be engaged, or you're not really listening, and real listening is really draining. You'll probably feel tired when you're done.

1. Eyes: We often say that the eyes are the window to the soul. How true this principle is when people are talking. What is it that research says? Two-thirds of the message people send is non-verbal! Think of how much we'll miss if we're not looking at the person who's speaking! My teacher's a marriage therapist and he says the number one complain in marriages is always that wives feel like their husbands don't listen to them. The guys are always really confused at this point, because they feel like they're always listening! When he keeps asking the wife questions, he always finds that the real issue is that the husbands aren't looking the wife. Funny huh! Women pick up on that clue and realize that the listener isn't getting the full message. So when you're talking to the people you visit teach, pay attention to their eyes, face, and hands so you can get the full message.
2. Ears: Listening and hearing aren't really the same thing! And being quiet isn't the same as listening. How often have we been quiet in a class and realized that we're not really listening? Or how often have we heard something, only to have it go right out the other ear? When the ears are involved in listening, there's a lot more than the words to hear. We also have to tune into the tone of voice and the intensity with which it's given. My teacher says that often the tone of voice is the real message and the intensity gives you an idea of where the speaker expects you to enter the conversation. (For example, you come home to a really excited roommate who's practically bouncing off the walls with good news about something or other and you "listen" only to tell them, "Gee I'm glad you had a good day. See ya." They're going to feel like you didn't listen and that you misunderstood their message.) 
3. Mind: This can be tricky. The mind is involved because it involves pondering and processing. Yes, you have to be doing that while you're listening! You can't be passive! The reason I say this part is tricky is because using the mind while listening is NOT thinking ahead about what you're going to say. As soon as you start that, you've fallen into the roll of talker and NOT listener. So you have to keep your mind in the right place. You have to ponder what they're talking about and be sure you're getting the right message.
4. Heart: Last of all, the heart is involved because that's how we get in touch with our emotions. We need to be in touch with empathy. We need to get a sense of what the sender of the message is feeling and we need to try and understand those feelings with our heart. You leave out the heart and you're likely to miss some revelation.

Anyway, those are my thoughts on this matter. Obviously I'm not the best at listening yet, but now I have an idea on some things to work on. I'll continue hacking at understanding Relief Society, but here's my first stab at it.