Finding the Divine Nature of Women

I got to speak to my Relief Society a while ago, and I meant to post this online afterward. This is a transcript of my talk. While some things are tailored specifically to my Relief Society, I think a lot of this stuff you guys would enjoy.

INTRODUCTION

“One day a mother and her son went to visit Gandhi. Her little boy had an obsession with sugar and she went to seek Gandhi’s help on how to break her son’s sweet addiction. She begged the leader, “Gandhi, my son consumes far too much sugar, will you please tell him it’s bad for his health?” After listening to the mother’s plea patiently, Gandhi refused to give the boy advice and told her to return in two weeks. Obviously the mother left somewhat disappointed at Gandhi’s request, but two weeks later they returned. Gandhi pulled the child aside and told him it would be best if he quit eating so much sugar. The mother then pulled Gandhi aside curious as to why he needed two weeks. Gandhi smiled to her and said “Two weeks ago I had an obsession with sugar. I needed the time to see if I could cut back myself.”

Unfortunately I am not like Ghandi (if you can believe the story). I am a totally imperfect sister talking to you about one of my greatest struggles.

MY BACKGROUND

I have desperately wanted to talk about finding your divine nature for two reasons. First, for some of you, I hope to convey a better spirit of charity and understanding. For others of you, I want to share some of the strengths I have found.

You may think that you’ve never struggled with this topic and that what I’m going to say doesn’t apply to you. I think that’s flat out wrong. What I have to say applies to all of us as women, sisters, and children of God. Some of you may be struggling with this topic the same way I am. Some of you have never thought about it, and I challenge you to take time to think about it. Others of you have already developed a deep understanding, but may not have realized that you need to share what you’ve learned with others.

I think the best place to start, is with some brief background. I have and continue to struggle with finding the divine nature of women. My story is abnormal and sort of extreme, but I have no doubt that there are others in this ward who have felt similar to me in some way.

In primary, I had an emotionally abusive primary president who hated girls. It makes no sense to me where she picked this up, but she would go out of her way to make the girls in the primary feel stupid. One day my mom came to primary because I had earned an award and this primary president had me and a boy who had also earned the award stand up and she praised the boy and talked about how wonderful he was, gave him the award and then turned to me. She then said several really mean comments about me and refused to give me the award. This shocked my mother and she approached the Bishop. But he seemed to feel that leading in primary was an opportunity for this lady to work through her problems and that there was nothing wrong with the way she was treating the girls. In case you don’t believe that a Bishop would ever do this, you need to know that this Bishop also gathered as many ward members as he could and took them out to eat after church every Sunday.

For many people, this would be the point of the story where I tell you I went inactive for several years. I learned a lot from my mother’s response. We simply began attending a different ward until the leadership of our ward changed.

Throughout my life, my feelings that women were regarded infinitely less than men in the church was reinforced at every turn. I couldn’t be a scout. I couldn’t have the priesthood. The YW in all four of my wards were told they could only cook, sew, or do other similarly “feminine” things during mutual and had their budget drained to send the boys on camping, rafting, and hiking trips. I felt like women had no “important callings”, struggled with several phrases in temple ordinances, and did not see the point of Relief Society, especially in single wards.

The problem was, I had a wonderful father and I met a wonderful young man, both of whom slowly built up a great confidence in myself. I knew that I was loved by these men no less for being a woman. I knew that I could do great things if given the chance. So why did the church contradict everything I held dear to my personal worth?

Something was at odds logically. One of two things had to give. First, either I truly was created to be less than a man OR Second, the church was a false church. I began searching for my own truth and discovered that there was a third option.

STRENGTH FROM WOMEN IN THE PAST

I’d like to read an entry from my journal on the day I had a huge turning point.

“Don't think poor of me. Until recently it's felt like nobody has answers. Not church leaders, family members, prophets, or teachers. Everything people said seemed to make it worse. Then this year, something changed. I started receiving revelation in ways I never expected. People around me were saying things that just sparked thoughts that I knew didn't belong to me. And a few days ago, I found this lady's blog: Women in the Scriptures. And she said something that changed my whole perspective: study the scriptures! I know! It's nothing you wouldn't think of . . . but she said to read the entire standard works and highlight everything that mentions something female related. Wow. So far, I've been so surprised by how much there is. Not everything is spiritually enlightening (since I've been highlighting a lot of "daughters" from the phrase "and he begat sons and daughters"), but you know what? It sure makes a difference to flip through pages (electronically) and see all that pink. It makes me feel like the scriptures do relate to me. It's beginning to change my whole perspective. I'm finding counsel everywhere to help with my concerns.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my journey so far, it’s that when you seek answers for questions, you cannot be emotionally charged. The spirit cannot dwell in you and it cannot convey messages to you. So if you are struggling with any question, you have to find a way to change youf perspective. Maybe doing a scripture study like this could do it for you like it did for me. I changed my perspective from searching for all the ways women were wronged to searching for places to learn more about what it means to be a woman.

I am now in the process of creating a list of every single woman in the scriptures. I’m no where close to finishing, but let’s play a game.

I want you to write down on your piece of paper, how many women do you think there are in the following books:

Old Testament:
New Testament:
D&C:
Pearl of Great Price:
Grand Total of all the Women in the Scriptures:

These are the numbers I have from Heather's blog Women in the Scriptures. I think you'll be surprised.

Old Testament

Named Women: 133

Unnamed Women: 90

Groups of Unnamed Women: 145

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 319

Total Women: 368

New Testament

Named Women: 33

Unnamed Women: 28

Groups of Unnamed Women: 16

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 60

Total Women: 71

Book of Mormon

Named Women: 3

Unnamed Women: 18

Groups of Unnamed Women: 66

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 24

Total Women: 87

Doctrine and Covenants

Named Women: 2

Unnamed Women: 4

Groups of Unnamed Women: 4

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 20

Total Women: 10

Pearl of Great Price

Named Women: 5

(I didn't include women who were also mentioned in the Old Testament)

Unnamed Women: 2

Groups of Unnamed Women: 17

Parables or Prophecies Specifically Including Women: 5

Total Women: 24

Grand Total of all the Women in the Scriptures: 556

Heather reminds us to remember that the "groups of unnamed women" can include anywhere from two or three women to 10,000. Also in addition to the 556 women mentioned specifically in the scriptures there are 428 parables or prophecies that specifically address or mention women.

Knowing that there are women in the scriptures that I can relate to and learn from, really helped alter my perspective. Yes, the scriptures were written by men and as such, don’t have a lot of women. But the women who are there offer some amazing support.

TEMPLE

I learned another important lesson for my journey, from the temple. But I can guarantee you it wasn’t in the way you are expecting.

I bawled the entire day following my personal endowment. I was in shock. I think I sobbed for an hour in the Celestial room before my family escorted me out of the temple to a “celebration brunch” where I only managed to stop crying by withdrawing into myself and playing with my one year old niece. After the party, I went to the apartment my fiancé and I were renting (he was staying there and I wasn’t) and cried the entire rest of the day. I didn’t even know a body could make that many tears.

I tried several times over the next year to return to the temple, but always left repeating the mantra “never again” “never again” because it hurt and I cried so much.

Then they announced the new video. I went and saw it with my best friend who was going through the temple for only the second time. I cried. But they were happy tears. I never realized that much of what I took to be hurtful doctrine was really just really really really bad acting and directing. (My mother-in-law tells me I should have seen it before.)

I share this because I want you to realize that things do change in the church. Maybe something hurts and is confusing in the church because you truly don’t understand yet. And maybe, there’s something that needs to change in the church. I share one of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland, “This is a divine work in process, with the manifestations and blessings of it abounding in every direction, so please don’t hyperventilate if from time to time issues arise that need to be examined, understood, and resolved. They do and they will. In this Church, what we know will always trump what we do not know. And remember, in this world, everyone is to walk by faith.”
It also helped me realize that some of the things I assume to be problems with the doctrine, are just problems with people. Just because I had a string of terrible Bishops did not mean the concept of a Bishop was wrong. Just because I had a terrible Primary President does not mean Primary Presidents don’t have an important role in God’s church. So I quote again from President Holland’s Talk: “Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work.”

EQUAL PARTNERS

One of the topics I struggled with was trying to understand the concept of equal partners. Despite the fact that I had a wonderful example of a father and a husband, I have always struggled with the word “preside”. I still do. It’s like a trigger word for bad memories for me. Thus I’ve never fully understood the family proclamation.

I have recently found a way to explain the role of equal partners to myself and wanted to share it with you. In the church, men have the Priesthood and thus provide a spiritual component of salvation by providing ordinances needed to return to the Celestial Kingdom. Women through the miraculous event of birth, provide a temporal component by providing a body. We cannot return to the Celestial Kingdom without the help of a woman and a man. A woman to get a body and a man to get the needed ordinances. Then in the home, the roles are kind of swapped. Men provide temporal needs by providing and protecting their family and women provide spiritual needs by nurturing the children and by being a moral force. It’s very general, but maybe it will help you.

This general conference, Sister Stephens said, “There exists today a great need for men and women to cultivate respect for each other as sons and daughters of God.” And I think that this would help this understanding of equal partners greatly. I mentioned to Cindy the other day that I wish we could return to the past and bring back parts of the culture. Parts where roles for women and men were clearer defined. That’s just me wishing for things to be easier. Because when we finally understand our roles as women and the roles of men, we can come to understand the great need we have for each other.

MY CONTRIBUTION WHEN NOT A MOTHER

Finally, one of my greatest struggles has been understanding my worth to the church during this stage of my life when I am not a mother. Now, I have no doubt that being a mother deserves a whole talk on its own, the struggles of understanding importance and the joy and power that role conveys. But since I am not a mother, I don’t feel entirely qualified to speak to you about it. So instead I want to focus on the important roles women have to the church outside of being a mother.

During the last year, something happened that helped me change my perspective on this topic. I walked into your ward. Again, let me read from my journal.

Then I took the plunge and didn't whine about going to Relief Society. I went straight there and got a seat with my mother-in-law. And it was amazing the spirit I felt. It wasn't so much that overpowering feeling of spirituality as it was the overwhelming feeling of cheer and kindness. Everyone there was so happy to see everyone! There didn't seem to be cliques and I was introduced to lots of people. The lady who does the announcements sounds and acts just like my grandma and I can literally feel how she cares about and loves everyone in the room. In fact, last week she knew I was new and had me introduce myself. (That’s you, Marsha.)

I don't know what makes that ward different, but it sounds and feels like a committee meeting there. And just that fact makes me feel like Relief Society does something important. I'm not sure what it is that they do yet, but everybody sounded purposeful and important. Everyone sounded busy, important, and at the same time they sounded like they loved everybody there. I'll post later as I learn what exactly makes this ward different, but for now I can't help feeling like this particular Relief Society knows something I don't. Something about our purpose.”

Now, I don’t know if I’ve figured out exactly what our purpose is yet, but that sense of strength I got from you made me look to understand. And here is what I’ve found.

If we step back from Mormon culture and pretend we’ve never heard any of these words before, we can learn a little bit about how women are supposed to function in the church.

Relief - - - - - Society. We should be like a committee. We meet at church once a week to report and plan our next relief attempt. We are like the Red Cross flying into a disaster zone to provide relief. Our disaster zones may be rough days or broken testimonies, and our relief may be a warm meal or helping to clean or just talking, but we are just as important . . . NO. We are MORE important than those helicopters flying into disaster zones because WE - YOU and ME - WE fix souls. Body and spirit our organization provides relief. On the large scale and on the smallest scale of a bad day.

Visiting teaching is the most powerful tool sin our relief arsenal and I feel that NONE of us realize it’s power. NONE of us are using it to its full extent. No matter how the church tries to turn around the mormon culture of (Visiting Teaching = Once a Month drop in, have a prayer, share the lesson, talk for a half hour, offer to do something, be told no, and leave) we are stuck in this rut. Visiting Teaching needs to be used to its full power. For that to happen you and I need to be FRIENDS with the sisters we visit teach. We need to know their worries, their doubts, their struggles, their joys, their successes, their needs, their loves and passions. Can you do this in a once a month visit? NO. You cannot. I will not open up to someone I see once a month. . .  if that. I’m not even going to open up to someone I see once a week. I will turn to my FRIENDS to share my struggles, my success, my thoughts, and my needs. We have ways to stay in contact. Use them. We talked recently in Relief Society about the spiritual power of technology? Here’s one that you need to use. Use your technology to stay in contact with your sisters! Email, text, call. Leave a note! Say hi whenever you pass. The more you see or contact your sisters the faster you’ll get to be friends. And once you become friends you and your sisters will be able to access the full power of relief society.

Women have an incredible power to talk. It’s not bad. In fact, I like to list it as a super power. This amazing ability for women to talk is how we come up with creative solutions. It’s how we dig into another person’s soul. It’s how we heal wounds - ours and others. It’s important that we get into those meaningful conversations with the sisters we visit teach because that is how people like me will patch our testimonies and it’s how we will enter our sisters hearts.

From general conference, I also learned that women offer a powerful moral force not just to the church but to the world. I’m still finding how to do that exactly, but to anyone searching for the divine nature of women, I say that Elder Christofferson’s talk would be a good place to start.

CHARITY

Finally, let me read to you a post from a “friend” during the whole women and Priesthood Session uproar. Maybe you said something similar. I hope you did not. If you did, you won’t anymore.

“This ordain women thing is ridiculous! They act as if it's the leaders of the church who with hold the priesthood from them, when in reality it is God. And it doesn't mean he cares more for the men!! I guess I should start protesting for having the same rights as women and demand that men should be able to have the most incredible authority of all. . . Having a child!! It's time I think for the brethren to stand up to these ladies and say ENOUGH. And if you don't like it then leave!”

This general conference, President Eyring said, “Our human tendency is to be impatient with the person who cannot see the truth that is so plain to us. We must be careful that our impatience is not interpreted as condemnation or rejection.” Instead remember charity - for “if ye have not charity, ye are nothing” and “charity is the pure love of Christ”.

I hope now that if you are one of those women who answer questions about this topic with, “I’ve never struggled with this . . .” or “You’re missing the whole point.” or something as heart breaking as “If you don’t like it, leave!” that you will have a greater amount of charity for people like me. That now you might just understand what goes on in our heads. And you will NEVER NEVER tell someone to “Leave the church.” Because maybe they are struggling just as hard as I am to stay here and understand.

CONCLUSION

I now close my soul-bearing session, with my testimony that God does love us as Women. Sometimes I don’t understand how that fact and things I see in the church coincide, but I know that this church is true. I know that to find answers to questions we have to change our perspective. I know that sometimes things change and that sometimes what seems like a deep doctrinal error is really just people in the church making grave mistakes. I know that I have an important role to play in God’s work simply because I am a woman. And finally I know that there is a great work for you and me to do if we will only access it.

The Women in Moses's Life

So I'm not done with Moses's story yet, but just in the first five chapters of Exodus there are lots of women mentioned. In fact, there are four women who have already saved Moses's life. Ready for them?

http://gardenofpraise.com/bibl85s.htm

~1~ Pharaoh's Daughter
We don't know her name, but we do know her story. She rebelled against her father and saved a Hebrew baby. She didn't know how important that child would be. She simply acted to save a life. Not only this, but somehow this great woman managed to raise the next prophet. How does an Egyptian woman raise a young man into a prophet? I would love to ask her later. When I was reading her story, I realized that feeling I get when I look into the eyes of my two newborn nieces is probably the same divine attribute of women and God-given feeling that saved Moses's life. I think that this woman demonstrates the important role all women have to play. I love to see that this woman didn't come from the "chosen" people and yet she still had a huge role to play in God's plan.

~2~ Jochebed

Ok. So her name hasn't been mentioned in Exodus yet, but from my other studies I've found out that her name was Jochebed. What I love about this woman is that she combined that mother-bear instinct with cool-thinking and a well-thoughtout plan. She's oppressed, overworked, and fearful. Yet she still finds a way to save her son. First of all, I really want to know how she kept him a secret for three months. Newborns take a lot of work. How did the soldiers not notice that she was pregnant . . . then wasn't and that nobody had killed the baby? Then when she's sure she can't keep him hidden any longer, she sets an elaborate plan in action. Surely she knew where the Pharaoh's daughter bathed. She put Moses into the water at the right time and right place and sent along her daughter, Miriam, to be sure the baby made it to the princess. Then she relied on the kindness and godliness of the other woman. Her faith, courage, and smarts are so inspirational to me. 

~3~ Miriam

She plays a smaller role in this part of the story, so I'm not going to spend much time on her here. Basically, she follows to make sure her baby brother survives the water and then suggests to the pharoah's daughter her mother as a nursemaid for the baby. Which may I say, was a very clever addition to the plan. Not only did Jochebed save her son, she also got to spend more time with him. I'm pretty sure most of Miriam's part in this was just obeying her mother . . . but she does more later I think so we'll move on.

~4~ Zipporah

Last of all, Moses's wife. Now people like me will stop and say, "Wait . . . his wife? I thought you said this was a post about women who saved Moses's life." Others of you already know the story I'm about to recount. So apparently Moses disobeyed God kinda like the brother of Jared forgot to pray . . . except more serious. Moses didn't have his son circumcised . . . maybe he forgot, but I have the feeling that based off the Lord's reaction Moses probably knew and didn't do what he was supposed to. When the Lord is about to kill Moses (how is what I'd like to know . . . an angel? disease?), his wife takes the lead and circumcises her son thus saving her husband's life. I read Women's Rights in the Old Testament Times and he makes it sound like maybe Zipporah was raised in a more matriarchal family and that might be why she felt so comfortable taking charge. I think she demonstrates the importance of obedience and the leadership a woman has. In the church, it's not that a woman CAN'T take leadership in the home. In fact, she has a responsibility to lead and protect her family too. She just needs to give her husband a chance to develop those characteristics since he'll need them later. (In fact, just speaking strictly from my point of view . . . I almost wonder if natural leadership is one of the divine characteristics of women and the reason we let men preside in the home is in part to help them develop a characteristic that may not come as naturally to them. This isn't the only reason of course, and maybe this wasn't true in Old Testament times, but I think that especially in a world where good men worry about dominating women, men NEED an opportunity to develop those leadership skills they'll need as Gods later on.) As I read on, I really want to know where she is the rest of the story. I swear I didn't even know the scriptures mentioned her leaving with Moses. 

So there you have it. Four women who saved Moses's life. 

Also as a side note, the same chapter of Women's Rights in the Old Testament Times talks about Dinah's story and . . . well it sounds like it was rape. So maybe my Romeo and Juliet theory doesn't hold up. I did like my interpretation better. In the end, Dinah may have just been a woman caught up in the middle of great wickedness from at least three different men. So as Heather says at Women in the Scriptures, it may just be another story of how when men are wicked, women suffer.

Ok wait. I don't want to end on a bad note. So I'll also throw this probing thought in. I was just thinking about how bad I wanted to be a princess when I was little (course I don't remember admitting this to anyone since most of the time I acted like a tomboy) and how even now when I daydream I think about how I'd love to be the princess in the disney stories my nieces watch (okay and my college roommates). Then I was thinking about the temple, and basically it really hit home that it's not just a metaphor when we say that we're princesses. We are daughters of God and with that we are princesses in training to become queens, and we are priestesses in training to become goddesses. Hold on. I'll say that again. "It's not a metaphor. We are princesses in training to become queens, and we are priestesses in training to become goddesses." With both of those titles (princess and priestess) there are duties expected of us. We are expected to become something. We are expected to DO something. We are expected to ACT differently. And just because all the other women on this planet also have the same inheritance and duties, our duty and our inheritance doesn't diminish. We are no less of a princess because there are many other princesses. Yeah. So that's my thought. I need to live my life the way a priestess of God would and I better be behaving the way a princess should. 

5 Named Women You May Not Have Known

As a quick post, I just wanted to bring to your attention 5 women who are named in the scriptures AND have stories, but are often forgotten. I think we should remember these women's names along with Rebekah, Sarai, and Rachel. Don't forget these women!

~1~  Deborah
Now, there's not a lot mentioned about her in the scriptures, but she has to have been an important person. Deborah was Rebekah's nurse. As Heather (Womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com) says, she was probably Rebekah's wet nurse and left with Rebekah when she got married. The reason I say she must have been important is because her death and her burial place are mentioned. That's rare for women in the scriptures. Mention of burial places has basically been reserved for the great forefathers and their wives. I have feeling she made a very big impact in Rebekah's life to be mentioned by the male writer of the Bible.

~2~ Asenath
Asenath is the wife of Joseph (sold into Egypt). First of all, she's the wife of that great seer. Second of all, it's mentioned that she's the daughter of a priest. Was she a priestess? What kind of priests were they? The Egyptians couldn't have been too far off from the real religion because they recognized the spirit of God that Joseph had. Is this a story of conversion? Or was the marriage of a seer and priestess? Anyway, just curious.

~3~ Keturah
Ok. So how many kids did Abraham have? Isaac and Ishmael right? Wrong. Everyone knows the story of Sarai and Hagar, but did you know that Abraham got remarried after Sarai died? He married Keturah and she gave him at least six more children. Now that's a lineage that we forget about. I wonder where that went!

~4+5~ Puah and Shiphrah
Ok. So you want a story? This is more of story than the three above. In fact, I'm sure you know this story but never learned the names of the women behind it. Remember how Pharaoh decided that the Hebrews were getting too numerous and started killing all the boy babies? That's how the whole Moses story got started right? What you may have forgotten is that before Pharaoh sent out the soldiers to kill babies, he tried to be sneaky first. He went to Puah and Shiphrah, the Hebrew midwives, and ordered them to kill all the male babies. Puah and Shiphrah not only didn't do as they were told (that's kind of a big deal) but they also were clever enough to come up with a response that didn't get themselves killed. So here's two women who are important to society, using knowledge that benefits everyone, being courageous like Ester and clever. Love it. The Bible has a lot of stories of clever women. (Rebekah, Tamar, Puah and Shiphrah . . . ) Don't forget their stories too!

Genesis Quiz!

Okay! So today I finished Genesis in my Scripture Study of Women. I know . . . it's taken me a while. But in my defense I've been taking it slowly and posting and taking notes and such. So to celebrate, I've put together a quiz! Some I'm sure you'll be able to do and others I bet EVERYONE will miss. Here we go! Post your answers in the comments and I'll post the answers in the comments below!

Instructions: Match the woman's name to her description

1. Eve               a. Wife of Lamech and mother of the first worker of brass and iron  
2. Adah             b. Abraham's third wife who gave him six more children
3. Zillah             c. Laban's eldest daughter who was tender eyed   
4. Naamah        d. Abraham's wife who had her name changed in a covenant
5. Sarai             e. The mother-in-law of Esau
6. Milcah           f. Wife of Isaac and mother of Jacob and Esau
7. Hagar           g. Leah's handmaiden and concubine to Jacob
8. Rebekah      h. Wife of Lamech and mother of those who dwell in tents
9. Reumah        i. Rachel's handmaiden and concubine to Jacob
10. Rebekah       j. Concubine to Esau's son
11. Keturah         k. Esau's 5th wife, Ishmael's daughter
12. Judith            l. Granddaughter of Milcah, Abraham's sister-in-law and niece
13. Bashemath   m.  Esau's 2nd wife, daughter of Ishmael (Hagar's son)
14. Mahalath       n. The 1st wife of Esau
15. Rachel          o. Rebekah's nurse
16. Deborah        p. Sister to the first worker of brass and iron
17. Leah              q. Esau's 3rd wife, daughter of Elon the Hittite                        
18. Bilhah            r. Judah's canaanite wife
19. Zillpah           s. Sarai's handmaid and mother of Ishmael
20. Dinah             t. Judah's daughter in law who slept with him to preserve seed
21. Ada               u. Mother of Mehetabel
22. Anah             v. Asher's daughter
23. Bashemath   w. Abraham's sister in law
24. Aholibamah   x. Joseph's Egyptian wife
25. Timna            y. Mother-in-law to Esau and daughter of Zibeon the Hivite
26. Mehetabel     z. Mother of all living
27. Matred          aa. Leah's daughter who had sex with the guy her brothers killed
28. Shuah           bb. Concubine of Nahor (Abraham's brother)
29. Tamar           cc. Hadar's wife
30. Asenath        dd. Esau's 4th wife, daughter of Anah
31. Serah            ee. Laban's younger daughter who was beautiful

Scoring:

If you got at least 7 correct = You're familiar with scripture stories

If you got at least 14 correct = You're either a scriptorian or have been following my blog

If you got at least 21 correct = Either you're cheating or you have crazy luck

If you got all 31 correct = You're definitely cheating . . . . or I owe you some kind of treat

See how many you can get! These are all the named women in Genesis (at least all of them I could find.)

Tamar

So this post doesn't really have any crazy spiritual insights, but I felt like it was a necessary post for understanding. Tamar's story really never made sense. Thank heavens for Heather at Women in the Scriptures who mentioned this book: Women's Rights in the Old Testament by James R. Baker which you can read online here.

The Story

1. Judah marries a Canaanite woman (daughter of Shuah) who gives him three sons: Er, Onan, and Shelah. Genesis 38:2-5

2. Judah picks Tamar to marry Er. Genesis 38:6

3. Er is wicked and dies. Genesis 38:7

4. Judah tells Onan to marry Tamar, but Onan "knew that the seed should not be his" so he "spilled [his seed] on the ground" which for some reason the Lord didn't like so Onan dies too. Genesis 38:8-10

5. Judah can't give Shelah to Tamar as a husband because he's too young, so Tamar is told to wait in the household till Shelah grows up. Genesis 38:11

6. Judah's wife dies and he travels to some friends. Genesis 38:12

7. Tamar has been watching and notices that even though Shelah is of marrying age, Judah hasn't given him to her. She realizes that Judah never intends to give her another husband and follows after Judah and pretends to be a harlot. Genesis 38:14-15

8. Judah sees her and wants to lay with her. In payment for sex, he promises her some animals (which he doesn't have with him) and gives her his signet, bracelets, and staff to keep till he pays her. Genesis 38:16-18

9. Judah impregnates her and she goes back home before Judah pays her. Genesis 38:18-19

10. Judah sends the payment but obviously can't find the harlot. Genesis 38:20-23

11. Three months later, people start to notice Tamar's pregnant and knowing that she doesn't have a husband currently they tell Judah that she's had extramarital sex. Genesis 38:24

12. Judah says BURN HER! But when they bring her forward she shows Judah's signet, bracelets, and staff showing that the child is Judah's. Genesis 38:24-25

13. Judah drops the charges saying that Tamar has been "more righteous" than he was, but doesn't take her as a wife. Genesis 38:26

14. Tamar has twins and the story ends. Genesis 38:27-30

What's Confusing?

1. Why the heck are we just passing around the wife? So her husband died. Sorry for her, but don't we just support her and move on?

2. Why was the Lord angry that Omar didn't impregnate Tamar?

3. Why did Tamar want to have sex with her father-in-law and how is playing the harlot "righteous"?

4. Why didn't Judah marry Tamar to make up for committing adultery?

Explanation

So I read James Baker's chapter on Tamar and wow this makes so much more sense now! It's amazing that a little bit of cultural understanding makes such a big difference!

First of all, Tamar lost a very high position in the tribe when her husband died. As James Baker says:

"Er’s death shattered Tamar’s marital expectations and eliminated the status, support, and protection for which she had married. In early biblical times, a woman who married a firstborn son expected to bear a son who would take his father’s place in the family hierarchy as the chief heir of his father’s estate. Being the wife of a firstborn son or leader in a patriarchal community meant that she would be mother of a future community leader. Such position was both socially and economically prestigious. The wife of a patriarch or leader became a matriarch or chief wife and was leader in the extended family: as her husband was chief man, she was chief woman. Her husband inherited at least a double portion of his father’s estate, twice as much as any other heir. This inheritance assured him of added respect and family and community leadership and would have been appealing to some women."

Second of all, the leverite law would restore Tamar to that position. Under the leverite law, Tamar would marry another man in the family and the children from that marriage would be listed under her deceased husband thus maintaining the birthright. It's supposed that under this law, older brothers were preferred over younger brothers and brothers were preferred over the patriarch of the family. So it would be preferred for Tamar to marry Omar then Shelah then Judah himself. Women's Rights in Old Testament Times. Plus, Tamar's marital obligations to the family weren't over until both her husband and her father-in-law were dead. So she was stuck with the family and it was Judah's job to give her another husband.

So that answers my first question. They were passing the wife around in order to maintain the birthright and obey the law. 

Now, to answer my second question. Why was it bad that Omar didn't impregnate Tamar? So Omar didn't do it because if Tamar had a child, it would reduce his inheritance and standing in the tribe. Again quoting James Baker,

"Though it was considered honorable for the brother to impregnate his brother’s widow and thereby preserve his brother’s name, the death of Er had naturally increased Onan’s share of the family inheritance. Furthermore, Onan would now inherit the firstborn’s share, which was double that of the other sons. If Tamar bore a legal son for Er, then Onan, the biological though not the legal father (for purposes of the inheritance), would lose this doubled estate. . . . Knowing that he was next in line for the blessings of the firstborn, Onan did not openly defy his father, an act for which he could have been disinherited. Instead, he conspired to deceive Judah and defraud Tamar. During the connubial act, through coitus interruptus, he “spilled {his semen} on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother."

So I can see how the Lord wouldn't like those motives. 

As a little side note, apparently Shelah was really young! According to the law, the minimum marrying age for a man was 10. So Shelah had to be under 10 at the time! Yup . . . to young.

My third question is already partially answered. Tamar wanted to have sex with her father-in-law in order to provide an heir to the tribe, maintain her status in the tribe, bring honor to her husband, and maybe (and I just like to entertain this idea) because she had had revelation showing her line to be the line through which Christ would come. 

The second part of that question is a little bit more interesting. So apparently there were different classes of prostitutes and (remember that Judah is living among the Canaanites at the time so he's apparently adopted some of their customs and laws) some of those prostitutes were lawful and donated their proceeds to the temple. As James Baker says,

"Cultic prostitutes were women who offered their services to the public and donated the proceeds to the temple. In early times, according to Herodotus, sacral prostitution was expected of all Babylonian women at least once in their lifetime.32 The practice came from the myth of a male deity such as the Canaanite god Baal, the god of rain, fertilizing his lover or [p.152]wife/sister Anat, the earth goddess, which brought forth food."

In my search, I saw another site that talked about this. Apparently the word used in the bible, kedeshah, meant "sacred woman" and they were considered "sacred prostitutes" probably because all of their proceeds went to the temple. Weird, huh?

Anyway, so that's why Tamar was considered still righteous even though she was playing the harlot. First of all, she was playing the part of a "sacred" harlot and second of all, she only had sex with Judah which was already lawful for her under the leverite law. 

My last question has a short answer. Judah didn't commit adultery by having sex with Tamar because of the leverite law and he wasn't obligated to marry her afterward. Tamar's twins were considered the sons of Er, the firstborn, and she carried on Judah's tribe.

Summary

So, like I said. Not really any great spiritual insights, but at least this story isn't so confusing anymore. Actually, if you want to think about it, I really do think Tamar had some insight into Christ coming through her line. I bet she knew she had to perpetuate Judah's line in order to make that happen. Maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part, but I like to see Tamar as a powerful woman with an important title and responsibility who demonstrated a great amount of wit and laid a clever plot to complete her responsibility. Can we please at least recognize how brilliant she was in planning ahead in her little scheme. Yeah, I think I like Tamar . . . even if her story's a little bit weird when placed in our culture.

Dinah

Unfortunately Dinah's story isn't a happy one, and hopefully I'll get a chance to get a different post out on Mothers to follow the holiday. But I wanted to get this out before I forgot my thoughts. I've stewed over this story for a long time because I had very mixed feelings about it. It wasn't until last night when I brought up the story with my husband that I got my thoughts together enough to post on this.

So here's my summary of the story. First of all, Dinah is the daughter of Leah (one of Jacob's wives) and it sounds like she was the youngest of Leah's children with six older brothers (just from her mom) Genesis 30:21. Then one day, Dinah went to visit some friends Genesis 34:1 and the Prince saw her, fell in love, and made a mistake.  He laid with Dinah before marriage. Genesis 34:2. Now at first this story really bothered me because it seems like another bible rape story, but then when you read the next couple of verses that idea seems a little fishy. "And his soul clave unto Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife." Genesis 34:4. Not only that, but when Hamor and Shechem go to Jacob to get his permission, both father and son are willing to pay any dowry to make the marriage happen. They're even willing to change religions. Genesis 34: 8, 9, 12, 14, 19. Then the sons of Jacob agree to the marriage (which confuses me . . . Why were her brothers negotiating the marriage instead of her father?) with the condition that the entire city changes to their religion. And then instead of allowing this to be a great conversion story, Simeon and Levi go to the city when everybody's sore and weakest and kill the entire city (well or sell them as slaves). Genesis 34:25-27.

So the first couple of times I read this story I actually felt a grim satisfaction in what Simeon and Levi did. I know that sounds bad, but there are just so many stories in the bible of women being mistreated and nobody seems to care about it. Here it sounds like Dinah's been raped and then the person who raped her is trying to negotiate getting her forever. And Jacob doesn't seem to care at all Genesis 34:5 but then I guess I'm not too surprised since she's Leah daughter and he really doesn't seem to care about any of Leah's children. I won't venture down the path of Jacob's favoritism today. Anyway, so every time I read about the murder of Hamor's city I was kinda happy about it. At least someone was standing up for women in the Bible.

But then after talking with my husband, I think I was missing a few details. Like I said, the rape story seems a little fishy. For one thing, the scriptures say this about Shechem, "And the young man deferred not to do this thing (become circumcised effectively switching religions), because he had delight in Jacob's daughter: and he was more honorable than all the house of his father." Genesis 34:19. That and the scriptures didn't say Shechem took Dinah by force. With that in mind, I've revamped my idea of this story and now it seems even more tragic to me.

To me it almost sounds like a scriptural Romeo and Juliet story. Dinah goes to visit some friends and meets a prince and falls in love. Only problem? He's not the right religion AND they had a one-night stand. It sounds to me like Dinah had a part in the sin. I wonder if she wasn't a willing participant and warned Shechem that he would have to change religions if he wanted to marry her. Despite the sin, this story could have had a happier ending. Even though Shechem messed up (like many young people do today), he was going to try and make it right. He wanted to marry her, treat her well, and change religions. He was an honorable young man who made a very serious mistake, but he was going to make it right. Then Dinah's brothers not only way overreacted, but they weren't acting for Dinah like I originally thought. Andrew was saying that in that time, something like this would disohonor the whole family. They were offended and acted in anger. Andrew was saying that what they did was akin to two missionaries getting a whole city ready for baptism and then on the day of the baptism, waiting till after all the celebrations are over and everyone's tired but feeling spiritual, and then having the two missionaries go in and murder the whole newly converted town.

Poor Dinah. She made a mistake and now how traumatized must she be. Her brothers storm in, kill her lover, and pull her away. People screaming and dying all around her. This is not a case of noble brothers defending their younger sister. This is a terrifying story of a traumatized young girl. I wish this story could be turned around. Can you imagine what a wonderful story about the power of women that this would be if Dinah's brothers had not reacted that way? Even if she hadn't made the mistake. Even if she didn't love Shechem. I have no doubt that his daughter of God had a huge part in how a whole city was willing to change religions. She must have been quite an example.

I just think that all of us should remember this. It's so easy to be so angry when things like this happen. Sadly the beginning of this story is all too common in our day. Please please let us not act like her brothers when something similar to this happens to our family. If only we can encourage those young people to make things right and move forward. Let's lay our terrible feelings aside and spiritually support these youth so we can avoid recreating Dinah's story.

Sariah: A Story of Complaint or Faith?

I was always a little bit bothered by the story in 1 Nephi 5, where Nephi relates the story of his mother complaining against his father. I mean, surely the woman who raised Nephi, Jacob, and Joseph and was married to the prophet Lehi was an amazing and spiritual woman in her own right? Instead it seems like one of the few stories totally dedicated to her was spent showing one of her weakest moments. Why would Nephi choose to include this story when he's going back later and writing the plates? Was this story in there to show how women should just be subservient to their husbands and not question any decision . . . even when her husband sends all her sons on a death trip back through the dangerous desert to get plates from an angry and violent man?

I think that there's a much deeper meaning and lesson in this story.


I think Nephi felt prompted to show us a woman at her breaking point. She's been dealing with everything the best she can, and now this is just her breaking point. "She truly mourned for us." She sincerely thought her sons were dead. I think this story shows us how to deal with conflict in a marriage. The way both Lehi and Sariah handle this situation is so important.

First, if Sariah is saying things like, "You are such a visionary man, Lehi! You've taken me from my home, you've lead me into the desert, you've made me leave all of our physical possessions, and now you've killed my sons! This is all your fault Lehi!" Surely, her tone had to reflect that. Most of us would default to our knee jerk reaction: we'd meet fire with fire. Lehi could have jumped right to it and said, "Well you're not doing so hot yourself Sariah! I mean look at this tent! It's always sandy! Look at what we're eating! I mean most days you don't even cook the stuff! You just slap it down raw!" Or more likely in my mind, "I am the prophet! How dare you talk to the prophet like that! How dare you talk to the patriarch of this family like that!"

Instead he says, "I know that I am a visionary man; for if I had not seen the things of God in a vision I should not have known the goodness of God, but had tarried at Jerusalem, and had perished with my brethren. But behold, I have obtained a land of promise, in the which things I do rejoice; yea, and I know that the Lord will deliver my sons out of the hands of Laban, and bring them down again unto us in the wilderness. And after this manner did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother, Sariah, concerning us . . ."

I feel like this whole story is in the Book of Mormon to show us how to deal with similar situations. I know all of us will have something similar happen, and I think Lehi exhibits three characteristics of good communication we should follow. You've heard the saying, "Act, don't react." Well reacting would be that knee-jerk reaction, and ACTing follows this acronym.

A: Agree with them -> Lehi starts by saying, "You're right. I am a visionary man." Christ also taught this principle in Matthew 5:25, "Agree with thine adversary quickly, while thou art in the way with him . . ."Agreeing with the arguer doesn't mean that we believe what they're saying is 100% correct, but it's a very very good communication principle. Have you ever watched the body language of someone who's full of frustration? They almost look like they're all puffed up and full of air. When you agree with what they're saying right off the bat, they deflate. They weren't expecting that and their frustration dissolves into slight confusion. You'll get the chance to talk then. Being able to say "You're right. I can be selfish some times." "You're right, sometimes I really struggle with pride." shows a great deal of humility and a very Christ-like attribute. When we really want any relationship to succeed, we have to make that humility a key characteristic. Any relationship just won't succeed when pride creeps in.

C: Comfort them -> Lehi understood the underlying need Sariah had. He looked past her angry words and saw that she was hurting. She was hurting because she loves so much. Surely her ability to love was one of the things that Lehi was drawn to when he married her. She's mourning for her lost sons, and Lehi recognizes that and doesn't let her tone of voice change his reaction. He says, "I know why you're hurting. You're afraid and I recognize that." In our daily communication, we really need to figure out the underlying needs. My religion teacher gave me an acronym for some basic underlying needs he's seen in all his years of counseling. It is CRUCIAL:

• C - Competency: we all have the need to feel competent at something. At different times in our lives it may change, but we always have something we need to feel good at. Even little children pick up on this when they say, "Mommy, so-and-so is good at this, and so-and-so is good at this. I'm not good at anything!" In relationships, we should keep tabs on what things other people have a need to feel competent at, and we should never ever pick on those areas. 
• R - Reconciliation with God: I'm learning this principle for myself first hand. This is the strongest and most basic need of all. If our relationship with God is not harmonious, we tend to be needy in different areas of our life. One person may feel like everyone else isn't meeting their needs, but in reality nothing can change unless that person is first close to God. There's nothing everyone else can do until that person makes that step.
• U - Understanding: One of the biggest blocks to communication is everyone's desire to be understood. We don't want to share some things specifically because we fear others will misunderstand. Everybody needs someone that can validate and accept their opinions even if they don't agree with all of them.
• C - Closeness: Everyone needs someone to share their joys, successes, failures, and accomplishments with. Even people who aren't married feel this need. My idea is that's how social networking got started. People needed to find other people that could applaud their success.
• I - Independence: Opposite to the previous one, everybody needs privacy, space, individual interests, hobbies, and friends. Sometimes if we get too close it can be like porcupines and we may bounce away quickly. There's a balancing act between closeness and independence because we all have to feel like our own person still. 
• A - Appreciation: Everyone needs to know that their efforts are recognized. We may not expect some reward in return for the service we give, but we still need to know that people recognize that we're doing something. Once a councilor asked the Bishop if they should send thank you notes to the relief societies who contributed a lot to a huge activity, and the Bishop responded with, "We don't thank people in this church." How wrong that is! Everybody needs to be thanked, even if they are doing it for service. Expecting recognition is not evil nor does it diminish the service. It is a basic need.
• L - Love: This may seem self-explanitory but there's a part here you may not have thought of. Everyone has the desire to feel lovable! Lovable means feeling attractive and feeling desirable. We all need to feel like a person other people would like to hang out with. Even people who break norms and feel like outsiders still need to feel like there are certain people in the world who   would like to hang out with them. 

So we need to pay attention when people around us seem angry, frustrated, or upset. Usually what comes out of their mouth is not the real problem. Usually, it's something related to one of the above underlying needs.

T: Testify and Teach -> Lehi ends with his testimony and uses his testimony to comfort Sariah, since comfort was what she needed. The account of this story concludes with this, "And when we had returned to the tent of my father, behold their joy was full, and my mother was comforted. And she spake, saying: Now I know of a surety that the Lord hath commanded my husband to flee into the wilderness; yea, and I also know of a surety that the Lord hath protected my sons, and delivered them out of the hands of Laban, and given them power whereby they could accomplish the thing which the Lord hath commanded them. And after this manner of language did she speak." These two verses are why I say Sariah is an amazing role model. It isn't until this very point that she gains a witness for herself that the Lord gave her husband the revelation. Until this point, she's been acting completely in faith! Isn't that amazing?!? She didn't have a personal witness, but was willing to leave her home, travel to some unknown place, give up everything she'd worked hard for, take her children into the dangerous desert, and allow them to travel back on a death mission! She was acting completely by faith up until this point! Holy smokes, what a great woman! Now after her personal witness she sounds exactly like Nephi! When we use our testimony in arguments, we allow the spirit to come in and make up the difference. After everything we can do, the spirit is what will change the other person's heart and help fill their underlying need.

There's more to Sariah's story, but I feel like Nephi put this little part in for a couple reasons. One, to show us that even the wife of the prophet hit a point where faith wasn't enough. Two, to show us how to diffuse the angry conversations that will occur in our life time. Three, to show us what amazing faith his mother had. And fourth, to show us how Sariah gained her own testimony of this huge venture. 

Resources on Eve

I want to have time to formulate all of my thoughts on Eve and I'll post a separate post after finals are over, but here are some great resources I've found on Eve so far.

Scriptures:

• Genesis 1:27 - created in God's image (so the word God must be a plural word to include Heavenly Mother)
• Genesis 2:18 - she's a help meet for Adam (whatever that means . . .  need to do some research)
• Genesis 2:22-23 - formed from a rib (symbolic not literal - what's the symbolism?)
• Genesis 2:24 - man shall cleave unto his wife
• Genesis 2:25 - naked and not ashamed
• Genesis 3:1-6 - She partake of the fruit first and got Adam to partake
• Genesis 3:7 - the eyes of BOTH of them were opened
• Genesis 3:15 - There is enmity between a woman's child and the serpent (Satan)
• Genesis 3:16 - Eve's "curse" (pregnancy and man will "rule over")
• Genesis 3:20 - Mother of all living
• Genesis 3:21 - God clothes them
• Genesis 4:1-2 - She conceives Cain and Abel
• Genesis 4:25 She conceives Seth

Women in the Scriptures:

• Eve's "Curse"
• Honoring Eve
• Eve and Her Faithful Daughters
• Teaching Children About Adam and Eve
• Adam's Rib
• Meaning of the Term "Help Meet"
• Understanding What it Means to Preside

Scholarly Articles:

• Patriarchy and Matriarchy by Hugh Nibley

General Conference:

• Lessons from Eve by Elder Russel M. Nelson
• What It Means To Be a Daughter of God by James E. Faust
• The Great Plan of Happiness by Elder Dallin H. Oaks
• Miracles of the Restoration by Elder Jeffery R. Holland
• The Joy of Living the Great Plan of Happiness by Elder Richard G. Scott
• For Time and All Eternity by President Boyd K. Packer
• Are We Not All Mothers by Sheri L. Dew
• It Is Not Good for Man or Woman To Be Alone by Sheri L. Dew
• Altar, Tent, Well by T. Theodore Tuttle
• That We May Be One by President Henry B. Eyring
• Daughters of God by President Gordon B. Hinckley
• An Elect Lady by Elder L. Tom Perry

The Beginning of Answers

Ah. The beginning post. Not many people read it, and it's more of a symbolic beginning. I wanted to start by explaining why I even started this blog. To be honest it's mostly for me. But I do want to share what I learn with my girlfriends, family, and anyone else who has questions about being a woman in the LDS culture, life, and gospel. Why would I write this? Is it because I feel like I have wonderful answers to share with people? Not really. Honestly, it's the opposite. Like I said, I'm writing this mostly for me. I don't have the answers, and I've struggled with the questions for a long long time.

I don't really want to list my questions, because it gets me on a train of negative, degrading, and confusing thoughts. Let's just say that all of the topics to the right are things I've struggled with. Up until now, I've spent my whole life confronting my demons only once every few months and packaging them up the rest of my life and ignoring them. All that meant was that when I had to confront them, I could expect several hours of sobbing and depression.

I know. Don't think poor of me. And until recently it's felt like nobody has answers. Not church leaders, family members, prophets, or teachers. Everything people said seemed to make it worse. Then this year, something changed. I started receiving revelation in ways I never expected. People around me were saying things that just sparked thoughts that I knew didn't belong to me. I wrote them down, and it helped for a little while until some other big confrontation occurred. A few days ago, I found this lady's blog: Women in the Scriptures. And she said something that changed my whole perspective: study the scriptures!

I know! It's nothing you wouldn't think of . . . but she said to read the entire standard works and highlight everything that mentions something female related. Wow. So far, I've been so surprised by how much there is. Not everything is spiritually enlightening (since I've been highlighting a lot of "daughters" from the phrase "and he begat sons and daughters"), but you know what? It sure makes a difference to flip through pages (electronically) and see all that pink. It makes me feel like the scriptures do relate to me. It's beginning to change my whole perspective. I'm finding counsel everywhere to help with my concerns. Here are a few general topics I'm going to try and address for myself. (You can always find them as tags to the right.)

1) What does it mean to be a wife and how do I be a good one? How can I be an equal partner while having my different roles?

2) How can I still be a missionary at home? I didn't get to serve a full-time mission, and I know I'll always hold a little regret for that even if I made the right choice. So how can I still serve my mission while staying at home?

3) What are the divine attributes of women and what should I be working on? What exactly is my divine nature?

4) How is motherhood a blessing and not a burden? How do I contradict my negative feelings about it?

5) What exactly does the Relief Society do? What should we be doing? Do we really have equal opportunity for leadership as the men? Do women do important things in the church too?

6) Not going to list all my questions here . . . but I have got to find some understanding for certain things that happen in the temple. I promise I won't break covenants when I post, but I've found some really good resources helping me understand some things and I want to share them and search for more.

7) Has the church had a history of oppressing women like the rest of the world? Or did we play any important roles in our history?

8) What women are in the scriptures, and what can I learn from them?

9) If men have the priesthood, what do women have? What is our power?

Anyway, as I said I don't have the answers. But I have faith I'll find them. Eventually. Even if it takes my whole life (as I suspect it will), someday I will know the answers to all these questions and all the others that come up. To anyone who wants to join me on this journey, WELCOME! All I ask is that you acknowledge that people do have these questions and struggle with these problems and refrain from saying things like, "Well I've never struggled with that." or "I don't know what the big deal is." Trust me. It doesn't help. I know you all have your questions. (If you don't you're not thinking hard enough.) This blog just documents my search for my answers.